Sister with NPD

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erin	Sister with NPD	Lead	[-]
Posts: 1 (10/27/08 05:40:59) Reply Quote More My Recent Posts Message Me Connection Blocking Invite Ignore User's Posts	Tags : None A couple of months ago my older sister began to go to therapy and was diagnosed with (amongst other things) NPD. It's just hard coming to the realisation that I'll most probably never have a 'normal' relationship with her. All I want is a sister, someone I can talk to and hang out with and just do all the normal sisterly stuff with, hell even a sister who when I ask "how was your day?" answers then asks me how mine was. But considering that in 21 years I can not recall a time that she has hugged me I can't really see me getting that relationship. I come from a close knit family and my mum is very close to her sisters. I suppose I always hoped that my sister and I would work through this and our relationship would mature into what my mum has with her sisters. Now I have to accept most probably not having a relationship with my sister at all plus come to terms with 7 years of been a verbal punching bag. I feel like I'm betraying her by not having a relationship with her, by not helping her. I mean shes my sister. Even though I know its detrimental to me to try and reach out to her I still care about her. But at the same time I'm so angry at her for putting me through what she did for so long and not even feeling remorse and knowing that I'm never going to get a heartfelt apology from her. Couple that with been scared that if I do reach out its just going to get thrown back in my face again. How has any one else come to terms with the realisation of a loved ones NPD and the fact that everything you imagined for the future for the two of you and the type of relationship you would have isn't really going to happen? How do you deal with feeling like you're betraying the person but know that you can't have a relationship with them? How do you come to peace with the whole situation and how they have treated you by yourself since they're not going to apologise or try to make amends?
alohaapple222		#1	[-]
Posts: 1 (11/30/08 23:04:01) Reply Quote More My Recent Posts Message Me Connection Blocking Invite Ignore User's Posts	Hi Erin, I also have a sister who has NPD, I was so confused for so long I could not understand my feelings. I always felt so guilty like I was rejecting her because I could not logically agree with her twisted views on life that made no sense. She would often use guilt to manipulate me and always took credit for everything not acknowledging my contributions. I had a five-year falling out with her that just recently came to an end. I can't imagine her in my life in any way shape or form. I would never want her around my children, I don't trust her and often wonder what she is capable of. At the same time I love her, I guess I feel so torn internally. I feel like my heart is broken. I am hopeful that one day I can heal. I would tell you to stay away as far away from your sister as possible. It is very hard almost impossible to treat someone with NPD. Above all try not to feel guilty, it's not your fault. Just understand that you love her but don't like her. You care about her well-being but don't want to be around her. And that's OK.
alygators	Whether or not	#2	[-]
Posts: 1 (01/26/09 12:12:55) Reply Quote More My Recent Posts Message Me Connection Blocking Invite Ignore User's Posts	Is that OK? I mean, NPD or no, this is family. This is sis, the only person who experienced with you the unique set of joys and tribulations you experienced. I can't help thinking the value of a relationship with my sister (who, by the way pretty much exactly fits Erin's description of her sister) outweighs the sacrifice. I recently realized that a relationship with her (I hadn't had more than small talk with her in 15 years until we began to reconcile this summer) will involve some wonderful joys in our shared experience. It will involve us becoming a team, being united and accomplishing things together as we mend our broken relationship. Since she is a pathological narcissist however, it will also be rather heartbreaking for me. This weekend we had a conversation in which she made sure I knew all the many ways in which I had disappointed her, acted selfishly, thoughtlessly, failed to take her feelings and her perspective into account in a situation in which she actually was not at all involved. I was disturbed by it all weekend. The conversation forced me to evaluate whether or not I was able to even have a relationship with someone this toxic, and I came to the conclusion that I had to keep trying. The NPD is not fixable, but it can be and is being treated. There's no hope of us every holding hands in happy sister-land, but there is no need for us to be perpetually separated either. I guess the decision Erin and I have to make is whether the value of a relationship with someone who is as toxic (because of the NPD) as she is healing (because she is my beloved sister with whom I, despite all best efforts, really and genuinely do share an unbreakable bond) is worth the sacrifice we are bound to be asked to make. Every time I have to nod and apologize for some perceived wrong, every time I have to cede my will, my opinion or my perspective to hers because she is not equipped with the ability to empathize, I will have to think and rethink whether the special mix of reward and obligation which comprises my desire for a relationship with her outweighs the hurt I feel. I guess that since I am not the one with the NPD, I can empathize with her. I can see what she does to me as also being something she does to herself. I can feel sadness for her, and I can forgive her, and I can also cope with her disorder. At least, for now I can do all that. Perhaps I just have to take this case by case. This weekend's event, it turns out, was something I can more or less cope with. Whether that will be true next time she decides the universe has wronged her and it is all my fault, remains to be seen. I will have to cross or burn that bridge when I come to it.
femfree		#3	[-]
Posts: 8 (02/03/09 16:37:39) Reply Quote More My Recent Posts Message Me Connection Blocking Invite Ignore User's Posts	Hi. I have this link http://www.nami.org/Conte...s_with_Mental_Illness.htm It's from NAMI and it's about coping with siblings with personality disorder. Hope it helps. Also, you'll find lots of discussions from others dealing with this awful situation. You'll find lots of information on coping, how to win the word wars, how to bullyproof yourself, and how to 'engage the enemy' - http://narcissisticperson...Tactics-Read-Only-1-41851 Good luck, I know it's not easy. In fact, just learning the ropes of providing NS to them to avoid that all famous Narcissistic rage takes skill and learning. You seem genuinely interested in how to interact with her. There are ways, but we always have to keep in mind whether or not it's worth it. Depending on the abuse, we all have to come to grips with that ultimate decisions. Blaming others (often projection) isn't easy. You may squeak out of it with "I'm sorry you feel that way." and, of course, we need to build a resilient emotional barrier to keep us from being hurt. Having NPD, she will have no idea of how much hurt she's causing you. One person, years ago, before I began managing NPD forums, told me - and I like to pass it along - Learn as much as you can as fast as you can and protect yourself financially and emotionally. Not an easy task I know, but the reality is that's what we have to do. Be strong - You are obviously very intelligent and caring and looking for answers. Take Care femfree
AshantiRose29		#4	[-]
Posts: 6 (02/25/09 06:59:12) Reply Quote More My Recent Posts Message Me Connection Blocking Invite Ignore User's Posts	Hi Erin! My mother is NPD and so I understand some of the struggles you are having with your sister. It took me a long time to realize I was never going to have the Mother/Daughter relationship I craved. That in fact all I was going to get was abused by this person who called herself my mother. When I came to the conclusion that she never loved me ,and that no matter what I did it was never going to be "good enough" in her eyes I did go through a kind of grieving period. You grieve the relationship you wanted,in you case a loving sister who cares about you and wants to do all the normal girlie stuff that sisters do... You eventually come out the other side,and in my case I realised it wasn't worth the effect it was having on my emotional health to continue having a relationship with her. Remember there are other loving people out there who will gladly be in a caring relationship with you..with no stings attached..and no abuse either. Sometimes we spend so long looking in the wrong direction that we don't realize that there are loving people right in front of us.. If you do decide to stay in contact with her I would read all you can about NPD and how to protect yourself emotionally.What you would do well to remember is that NPD is a Character Disorder,they do not change.They can't.It's who they are. I hope things work out for you Hugs Sharon http://narcissisticabuserecovery.yuku.com/directory
erin		#5	[-]
Posts: 2 (03/03/09 06:39:50) Reply Quote More My Recent Posts Message Me Connection Blocking Invite Ignore User's Posts	Hi all, Sorry it took me so long to reply. It's hard coming to the realisation that I'm not going to have a good relationship with her. It's gotten to the point now where it is severly affecting my mental health and in an act of self preservation I've decided to end the relationship as much as I can. I'm not sure how to grieve this, have a mock funeral? Say oh well life can be tough and move on? I think because I haven't fully accepted it yet. But I've decided to get myself into counselling and move out so that will help. Although I am worried about my parents, namely my Mum. They can't remove themselves from this situation, I just don't want them to keep on getting hurt.
detach		#6	[-]
Posts: 1 (07/27/09 15:17:42) Reply Quote More My Recent Posts Message Me Connection Blocking Invite Ignore User's Posts	I have just come to terms that my sis is a narcissist (as well as my dad), my therapist diagnosed them "by proxy" and I started to read all I could regarding narcissism. I always new that "something" was wrong with them, but didn't have a term to fit, now I am fully aware that they ARE narcissists. It's hard to come to terms that for you to have a happy and sane life that your family member must not be a part of it. Since I started "no contact" it's amazing how the drama in my life is GONE, not alittle gone, but totally gone. When my sis did herself in, as far as i'm concerned, she was mean, spitefull, hatefull and vindictive. She might as well have spun her head around three times and spewed green vomit. As a child my older sis would beat on me, call me names and torture me....all I wanted was for my sis to like me, but she didn't. If she was bored and needed a mommentary playmate, then she would be nice, then she went back to her evil ways. As an adult she lived in another state and things changed. She became my sister and now my friend.....(so I thought, didn't know it was just the only way she could get narcissistic supply from me). As time went on she had many times when she would state how others had done her wrong and were just terrible to her (narcissistic injury) including her husband, she could talk for hours regarding the insults and slights put upon her by other people. When she moved back to our home town (many yrs later- in a crisis) slowly, but surely (within 3-4 mos) she became the evil sister again. Always right, never wrong or to blame, twisting everything to her advantage, using divide and conquer tactics, a drama queen and just plain miserable. Suddenly, I was again her target for destruction, to be used and abused regardless of what I did or didn't do to her.....nothing was EVER good enough. Thank the Lord for my therapist that saw the N pattern in my sister and saved me from insanity! For those of you who choose to stay in contact with the N in your family .....I will pray for YOUR sanity. I just can't do the mind games any longer. I refuse to subject myself to it for one more second of my life. If I thought there was hope for change, then maybe I could endure for alittle while, but there is... NO CHANGE ....with a narcissist.....NONE.....EVER...... You can't FIX them.....EVER. They may play nice for awhile, but don't be fooled and don't be gullible........or the N will eat you alive!
Constantina		#7	[-]
Posts: 1 (07/28/09 10:16:02) Reply Quote More My Recent Posts Message Me Connection Blocking Invite Ignore User's Posts	Thanks Erin, for raising this topic. Thanks Alygators, for a considered response that feels very true to my experience. And thanks femfree for the NAMI site, which I needed very much. I have known for years that my mother is a narcissist, although she was never diagnosed (our broken little "family" was dragged to half a billion therapists, but we'd stop going to each as soon as he/she raised the possibility that my mother could have done anything better. How's that for classic?) I've recently come to the conclusion that my youngest sister is too. I've been waiting, hoping, that if/when she grew up she'd start to change, become less self involved, less punishing, less... well, narcissistic. But she's solidly into her adult years, now, and I'm beginning to think it won't ever happen. I'm surprisingly shaken and saddened by this. I would have thought that the go-round with my mother would have made this easier. But it's a different grief. I haven't cut either out of my life - for many complicated reasons - although we have (of course?) had periods of not speaking. Or rather, I wasn't being spoken to, and I chose to wait it out rather than submit to more abuse. For what it's worth, clear boundaries and consequences have helped a lot in dealing with my mother. I present what I'm willing to do or accommodate, what the benefits are to her, or what the fallout will be. She makes her own decisions from there. Sometimes it's still hurtful for me (she didn't come to my baby shower, for example - it's a long, horrible, drama-filled story of bleh, and still all too fresh). I'm about to start using the same technique on my sister, who is behaving abominably toward my baby. I can take a lot, but I'm unwilling to have him thrown under the bus - hence the sudden need for me to confront reality when it comes to my sister. It's actually kind of nice, as long as I'm in the line of fire, to be shielding somebody else... But still so, so sad.
Lainie		#8	[-]
Posts: 1 (08/28/09 18:18:19) Reply Quote More My Recent Posts Message Me Connection Blocking Invite Ignore User's Posts	Hi Erin, I realized my older sister had NPD just a few weeks ago. I alway KNEW something was wrong with her, but I could never figure it out. Growing up, I thought something was wrong with ME. She told me she read quite a bit of NPD information online, and can identify with it completely. Finally, the smoke has cleared. I realized about a year ago that I'll never have a 'normal' relationship with my sister either. I have never had that with her, and when I see other sisters that are close, it looks foreign to me. For years, mother and I would tell eachother how everytime we were on the phone with P. and we started sharing something about our own day - she would lose interest and hang up! It was always all about her. I, too, was her verbal punching bag. Even today, (we are both in our 40's) she puts me down thru little digs that are really hurtful. If people say anything about us being sisters - she always informs them that she is the "pretty one" The one thing that has helped me to accept her sisterly limitations has been to surround myself with other, more loving people. I have become very close with some of my other relatives (cousins), etc. It definitely has helped to fill the void, and has helped my self esteem tremendously. I surround myself with the kind of people I would love to have in a sibling, because I know that I can't change my sister. I don't look at it as betraying my sister as much as I look at it as loving myself. You're not alone! Lainie
Julia		#9	[-]
Posts: 1 (09/19/09 02:28:38) Reply Quote More My Recent Posts Message Me Connection Blocking Invite Ignore User's Posts	I also realized that my younger sister has NPD just a few weeks ago. For many years she blamed me for many horrible things and I always thought that I must have done something that led her to believe that. During the past year our relationship had improved a lot and I was beginning to let my guard down. I shared a couple of vulnerabilities in my life with her, thinking that maybe I finally could talk to her like a sister. Within a week I received an email that was worse than anything I had received to date (the other ones were quite toxic as well). Only thing is, this email accused me of things so ridiculous that I finally realized that I needed to figure out what was wrong with her. I started doing research and immediately stumbled upon NPD. Amazing! Everything that she has done to me and to her children is described and now I understand. The destruction that she has caused is mind-numbing. I will survive, although I am struggling with the knowledge that things will never get better. Her children are much worse off. She adopted three as a single mother (don't ask how she managed to do that - I don't know). She abused them verbally and physically until she was done with them and then she sent two away. In the process of all of this I have also lost my mother to her. My mother defends her to no end and has been brainwashed into believing it was "the children's fault" that they had to be sent away, because they were so bad. When I figured out that my sister had NPD I told my mother. I am worried that cutting my sister off will turn her to look for NS from my mother. But ultimately, I have reached the point where I am no longer willing to have my life manipulated in this fashion. My mother has also made a choice and I have to remember that she is an adult and she can make her own decisions. She is, however, in her 80's and I struggle with the knowledge that she is vulnerable. Those of you that are trying hard to have a relationship with your sisters, be careful. When I thought it was getting better, it actually got much worse. At least you are all prepared because you already know what you are up against.
portland		#10	[-]
Posts: 1 (10/30/09 09:15:29) Reply Quote More My Recent Posts Message Me Connection Blocking Invite Ignore User's Posts	Hi all I'm so happy to have found this site. My sister also has NPD and it's just impossible to talk to people about it because unless you've lived in close quarters with a person who has it you just can't image what it's like. People often suggest that I try and "talk it out with her" but believe me I have and just that fact that I'm talking to her about our relationship is enough to set her off into a rage. AND I MEAN RAGE!! Although it's sad to see how many people are affected by this disorder it is helpful to me to see that my family and I are not alone. It's also been helpful to see that other NPD people blame all their problems on their families. In the case of my sister EVERY SINGLE THING that she perceives as wrong in her life was caused by my parents (who by the way I also grew up with but I don't recall my childhood being bad at all), she claims that NO ONE has ever helped her emotionally or financially (having forgotten the tens of thousands of dollars my parents have given her over the years, and all the times my parents have taken her in even though she is impossible to live with). I could go on for days about these experiences but I'm sure everyone here knows what I'm talking about. So I would just like to say thank you again everyone for sharing it has really been helped. Also unfortunately my sister has two young daughters you are showing the signs of emotional abuse and I only hope that they will find a place like this someday so that they can learn that it "is NOT all their fault". Thank you

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