Having just become a mother and experiencing a new intensity of protectiveness, I just couldn't understand how she - who of course is also a mother - could be so cruel. It got me thinking about my own childhood..I looked back on all the abuse and terror I'd experienced with a new clarity, I realised it couldn't have all been my own fault.
Then I went into panic mode knowing that I had to protect my daughter but not really knowing how as I'd never been protected myself. I started by cutting contact with my own mother so at least my little baby didn't have to be exposed to cruelty.
I started therapy and now, 2 yrs later, I realise that my mother has been at the centre of almost all the problems in my family...she is so needy that my brothers and sisters and I have spent most of our lives scurrying about trying (but failing) to keep her happy.
Somewhere along the line I came across the term NPD and, after reading all about it, it seems to me my mother has the disorder... she seems to fit the diagnosis so neatly.
It's such a relief really to know that she is the one with the disorder as my sibs and I have been blamed so much for so long that we all tend to blame ourselves or each other when our mother's upset (pretty much all the time).
I also wondered whether I might be a N? A lot of the experts say that Ns breed Ns so I'm sitting there thinking, @#%$ am I like that? Hmmm sure hope not... trying hard to be a nice person and to think of others, empathise etc!
It's been quite lonely and hard ... now that I have my little girl and understand the depth of love that a parent can have for their child, I feel as though I've missed out on a lot. The flipside is that at last I do have wonderful love in my life so should probably stick with this thought.
Anyway, just wondered if anyone else out there was in a similar situation.
Thanks for reading this.