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Hi Stepha Marie. I'm new in this board. I know it has been a year since your last post, and I hope you are well and on your way to recovering from your husband. I just recently learned about NPD, and have been reading non-stop about it. I really don't have any question, but I just wanted to share with you and whoever my experience with NPD, and how painful it is to see 17 years of emotional investment go down the drain.

Ive been with my husband for 17 yrs, married for 8. I see so many similarities in your situation, and in a lot of situations in these boards. What got me to read about this condition and to accidentally discover it is my husband flying into a rage again two days ago, for something very trivial, and leaving us again. My daughter and I are already living away from him because we have decided to continue her studies here in the US. He has decided to stay in our native country, where his family is rich and well connected. He arrived into the US as a visitor last week, and was intent to spend Christmas with us before going back in January. But because he had one of his NPD episodes again, he threatened to leave right away --- devastating my kid and his two other stepkids who are also in the US. Sigh.

It is very tiring. Now, three days after he left, he calls and asks about our youngest daughter who has a cough. Part of me just wants to play ball again, if only to keep the peace. He took back the car he gave me when he left the house, and now he says he will give it back because he just had the tires replaced and he doesnt want us to look pathetic . Since he left, I have been taking the bus to pick up my kid from school and also depending on my sister's kindness. Expect a lot of drama when dealing with NPD.

At any rate, knowing about the NPD feels empowering. I always knew that something was wrong with him, and now I know it's because he CANNOT feel anything. No wonder there is so much emptiness. He says the most wonderful things at times, and in the most charming ways, but it's almost like watching a very good actor on screen!

I noticed that you are living through this hell and making sure that your kids are left intact. My daughter and older stepdaughter are very close to me, and rather than hide all these things from them, I've decided to explain their dad's condition in very simple terms. Without labelling him as being mentally ill, I told them that he has issues going back to his childhood which makes him unable to control his rage and results into him treating me badly. I told them that they must never EVER let anyone treat them that way, especially when they are older and have boyfriends and husbands of their own. It was heartbreaking to see my youngest daughter cry about this, but I felt that I was arming her with something more important. I was letting her know that her mom will not put up with verbal abuse and insults from her dad anymore. I hope she does not follow in my footsteps.

My husband will come by today again and treat us all as if nothing happened, after flying into a rage and telling me he hates me three days ago. I will play along so I can get the car back and be able to pick up my daughter. But I know better. He and I live apart now anyway. We have 30,000 miles between us when he goes back to our native country. When I pick up my life here in the US, then my daughter and I will be rid of him. I CAN make this work, and save my sanity and my kids' sanity. I can manipulate HIM, and be happier just with my kids.

A lot of you have advised here to run away from your NPD spouse, and I guess I AM running away, but I'm making him think that I' m still here for him. Is that deceptive? I think rather than cry over the wasted years, we should learn to outsmart them, and use their manipulation against them.

Thanks for listening. Sorry for the length of this message, but writing about it has purged a lot of bad feelings from me. I pray that everyone here achieves true happiness and lasting peace of mind. Take care